Creating Chaos.

To the Client on my Couch,

Take a breath. Let your shoulders lower. You're okay. The problem is that you often spend too much time thinking you're not okay when really everything is fine. You create the chaos because you don't feel loved when everything is fine. You feel invisible. It rattles you when life becomes quiet because you'll be alone. So mole hills become mountains. Paper cuts become gashes. And all of a sudden you feel like you're bleeding out. I don't blame you. The truth is that everything is fine. But I know you don't feel that, can't believe that. Of course you can't.

When you were little, no one saw the mole hills. No one kissed the papercuts. Unless you were bleeding out, no one noticed you. No one cared. Maybe your parents were doing the best they could but it still doesn't change the pain you felt. It does not alleviate the times you were dismissed. Or the times you begged to be seen. Or the moments you were finally seen at the price of feeling like a burden. How about the times you felt judged? Rejected? So over the years, you stopped trusting your worth as a human being. You became unsure of so many things. If you were loveable, desirable, or worthy of support. All you know now is that you only receive love when you desperately need it. So what do you do? Desperately need it all the time.

You deserve to feel loved all the time. In the quiet moments, when you're sipping a cup of coffee. In the celebratory moments, when you have another win at work. Especially the hard moments, when you're sitting on the bathroom floor in tears. The truth is, you'll never be loved by anyone the way you deserve. Not because of you. Because of people. Only God can love you that way. He's the only one that can't screw it up. Until you realize that, I'm afraid you'll be lonely. And create more chaos. That thought breaks my heart.

I bet you wish there was another answer, one that involved loving yourself more. Letting humans love you differently. Something that can make you feel loved more by the tangible world. Perhaps. But any of those answers are just a Band-Aid. When what you desperately need is the antidote. I can't give you a Band-Aid. But what I can do is sit, and love, and pray one day you find the only one who will love you the best.

Until then,

Your therapist.

To the Client on My Couch.

To my client on my couch,

I wish you knew what we all know. That you're truly amazing. I wish you felt the warmth of your own presence. Those of us around you feel it, the friendly comfort of being near you. You feel so trapped by the things you are not. You feel so burdened by the 'faults' in who you are. Constantly traveling from the two worlds of being "too much" or "not enough." You're blind to your beauty, blind to the life you radiate, and trapped in the darkness that you feel envelops you. As you sit on my couch, I can see the hopelessness in your eyes. I can hear it in your shaky voice. But don't worry, I won't tell you to just snap out of it. I won't tell you to choose the light. Because if that simple concept would have worked, you would have chosen it by now. No, I understand that the shadows are all you experience right now.

So I sit with you, knowing that I can't do it for you. But I join you in it. What an interesting pair we make. You, unable to identify any redeemable quality inside you, and me, only seeing the astonishing parts of you. And not because it's pristine or poised or all figured out. But because it's real and raw and human. And I wish you could hear all of that. I wish your heart was open to the possibility that you are worthwhile. That the very things that burden you about your identity mean you were wonderfully made. That you hide in shame but are invited to bask in wonderful imperfection. Maybe if you knew that the imperfect things are what add beauty to us all, a freedom would uplift your heart and you would be able to see just how special you truly are.

Until then, we sit.

Love,

Your Therapist