Creating Chaos.

To the Client on my Couch,

Take a breath. Let your shoulders lower. You're okay. The problem is that you often spend too much time thinking you're not okay when really everything is fine. You create the chaos because you don't feel loved when everything is fine. You feel invisible. It rattles you when life becomes quiet because you'll be alone. So mole hills become mountains. Paper cuts become gashes. And all of a sudden you feel like you're bleeding out. I don't blame you. The truth is that everything is fine. But I know you don't feel that, can't believe that. Of course you can't.

When you were little, no one saw the mole hills. No one kissed the papercuts. Unless you were bleeding out, no one noticed you. No one cared. Maybe your parents were doing the best they could but it still doesn't change the pain you felt. It does not alleviate the times you were dismissed. Or the times you begged to be seen. Or the moments you were finally seen at the price of feeling like a burden. How about the times you felt judged? Rejected? So over the years, you stopped trusting your worth as a human being. You became unsure of so many things. If you were loveable, desirable, or worthy of support. All you know now is that you only receive love when you desperately need it. So what do you do? Desperately need it all the time.

You deserve to feel loved all the time. In the quiet moments, when you're sipping a cup of coffee. In the celebratory moments, when you have another win at work. Especially the hard moments, when you're sitting on the bathroom floor in tears. The truth is, you'll never be loved by anyone the way you deserve. Not because of you. Because of people. Only God can love you that way. He's the only one that can't screw it up. Until you realize that, I'm afraid you'll be lonely. And create more chaos. That thought breaks my heart.

I bet you wish there was another answer, one that involved loving yourself more. Letting humans love you differently. Something that can make you feel loved more by the tangible world. Perhaps. But any of those answers are just a Band-Aid. When what you desperately need is the antidote. I can't give you a Band-Aid. But what I can do is sit, and love, and pray one day you find the only one who will love you the best.

Until then,

Your therapist.