Anxious Teens: The Cheat Sheet

Anxiety: The leading mental health concern in teenagers.

I love my teen clients. I finally get the hype around working with teens and feel like I want to spend the summer as a camp counselor! Famous last words. They really do have the best stories, most creative solutions to problems, and best helpful advice for this old girl on how to be cool. And what does every teen that walks into my office have in common?

Anxiety.

Anxiety as a problem within the family system.

Dealing with anxiety in teens is different than the way it's handled with adults. Sure, all of the resources that I add on my website work the same, whether adult or teen. But the problem with anxiety in teenagers is that it is often due to a problem within the system. A system that they're currently saturated in. What does this mean? Anxiety can be generational as well as a symptom that a child manifests in response to their environment. Anxious parents, marital discord, a struggling sibling, stress over finances, you name it, could cause your child anxiety. When a teen in brought to a therapist's office for anxiety, a therapist doesn't just look at the child's internal experience, but the experience of the system and family as a whole.

Anxiety's problem can often stem from the attempted solution.

The other difficulty with anxiety in teens can come from the attempted solution rather than the problem. See, teens may exude their anxiety in anger, frustration, procrastination, apathy, lack of motivation. It becomes hard for a parent to distinguish between laziness and anxiety. Moreover, even when they know the root cause of behavior, instead of looking to fix the system, the parents tries to fix the kid. The way parents attempt to fix can be a roadblock to actual healing. If the kid is anxious about a game, the parent will dismiss their fears by minimizing the child's emotions with a,"Don't worry about it, you're going to be great." Christian parents often go for the, "God says don't be anxious. He's got this."

When we minimize someone's emotions, we inadvertently maximize their anxiety.

These phrases sound encouraging, don't they? Why is that so bad? It's not that it doesn't work. It just doesn't work as well or for as long. And has a greater chance of failing epically. Phrases like this are essentially saying, "Don't be anxious." Ever tell a woman to "just calm down" in the middle of a heated argument? It's the same result. When it comes to anxiety, a 3rd party can help reduce tension through the environment but you can't actually take the anxiety away for the teen. This means that instead of telling someone what to feel, or what not to feel, it's helpful to voice back what they're feeling and validate it. So instead of, "Don't worry about it," you would say, "You're feeling worried and nervous. That makes sense, I'd feel nervous too."

Focusing on a calming environment more than you focus on a fix.

It's important to stay away from minimizing, dismissing, and negating someone's emotional response to something. The same goes for fixes and ideas. Most people leave my office feeling more frustrated than motivated when they ask for tools. Why? Because most people have either tried these options before or feel like the fix is a bandaid over a bullet wound. No one, and I mean no one, wants me to tell them to take deep breaths, even if it's one of the best antidotes to anxiety that we have. I've said in a prior post that anxiety is feeling fear of the unknown. Check that out here. Trying to fix it doesn't work because you can't fix what's unknown. One can simply create an emotionally and psychologically safe environment for the person to experience life amidst the unknown. This helps them do the work they need to do while feeling supported. It's only when people actually put those anxiety tools to practice for themselves on a consistent basis that they start to notice a change.

So instead of fixes, one of my biggest responsibilities in the room is to maintain a non-anxious presence. I cannot take people's worries, fears, and doubts away. I have tried and wish that it works! The only thing I can do is give them a safe experience, not hold judgment, validate feelings, and offer ideas. Notice I put "offer ideas" at the bottom. Honestly, because it's the least important of the list.

It takes an empathetic village to help a teen's anxiety

If you're a parent, I can imagine feeling exasperated reading this. I know how hard you try, how much you're currently balancing, and how helpless it feels to either soothe or motivate your teenager. You probably feel guilt in wanting to be the best parent that protects your child from fear and pain. I think it's important to remember that God loves your child more than you do. Which is crazy, right? He is the one ultimately in charge of taking care of your teenager and is sovereign over their upbringing.

With that being said, if you are a parent or mentor, friend or uncle, teacher or pastor, I've included two sheets for working and talking through anxiety with teens. This will help anyone working with teens be able to address the problems within the system and focus on solutions that work.